How Living with Psoriasis Has Shaped My Relationship with My Body

Accepting my diagnosis, and the skin I am living in, will forever be a process but I’m proud of where my relationship with my body is today.

Embarrassment is the first word that comes to mind when I think back to how I felt when I was diagnosed with psoriasis at the age of 15.

I worried constantly about what others thought when they looked at me. They saw the patches and spots and flakes literally falling off me.

I felt so much resentment towards my own skin.

I hated looking at it. Emotionally, I was frustrated and felt betrayed by my own body. Physically, I felt constant irritation and pain. I never felt comfortable in my own body.

My own body felt like it didn’t fit me.

I was so fixated on what my skin looked like to everyone else. I saw the stares and overheard the whispered questions and not-so nice comments: “What is that? It looks contagious!” or “Ew, stay away!”

While everyone could see my skin, nobody could see the anger I had towards my own body. Nobody could understand the deep embarrassment I felt about the way I looked. No one knew the pain I experienced from simply putting on clothes.

I kept my emotions inside and the embarrassment and anger only grew.

I don’t think there’s a good time to ever get diagnosed with psoriasis, but for me being diagnosed as a teenager felt like the worst time.

I was at a stage where I was trying to figure out who I was and the person I wanted to be. I had already been experiencing feelings of low self-esteem when it came to my appearance and the negative self-talk would only increase when I was going through a psoriasis flare.

When I was initially diagnosed, I struggled to accept that psoriasis would likely be something I would have to manage for the rest of my life.

I couldn’t fathom how I would possibly live a happy life covered in spots. As the years went on, I started to understand the relationship that my body had with psoriasis. I started to learn about what had the potential to trigger a flare and what could make a flare more comfortable.

With time, I developed a more understanding, and positive, relationship with my body while learning how I can live with psoriasis.

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Growing up with my diagnosis

As I got older, I started to accept that psoriasis was a part of who I am and a part of who I would grow to be. Psoriasis has been a part of my journey through nearly all of my major life milestones – graduations, marriage, career changes, and motherhood. Psoriasis will likely continue to be there for all the incredible things I will do in my life.

For a long time, it felt as though psoriasis owned my mind and a lot of the decisions I made.

With time, I realized that by learning to live with psoriasis I was able to take back some of the control it had had over me. As the years went on, I found myself caring less and less what others thought about my skin and what I looked like.

While, comments and stares about my visible spots still affect me, these occurrences feel more like slight snag or annoyance. They no longer feel like a crushing weight to my self-esteem like they did when I was younger.

The people who I chose to keep in my life are supportive and loving. It doesn’t matter to them if I am covered in spots.

They care about how I feel when I am managing a flare, not what I look like or how I will look next to them.

Actively living with my diagnosis

A lot of the lessons I learned about honoring my body have come naturally over the years from my life experiences. However, I also worked hard to understand my psoriasis diagnosis and how best to manage it.

When I was first diagnosed, my treatment plan was only aimed to address the physical symptoms. The more I’ve learned about psoriasis, the more I’ve learned about listening to my body. Because of this, my focus has evolved.

My treatment plan now takes into account both what goes into my body, and what goes onto my body.

What goes into my body is the food I choose to eat and the vitamins and supplements I take. That also includes my prescription medications, a biologic taken every 8 weeks and an oral medication taken twice a day.

What goes onto my body includes the makeup I wear, the lotions and skin products I apply, and even the fabrics and textures of the clothing that I choose to wear.

I’m also more mindful of caring for my mental health. I actively try to manage my stress levels with journaling, connecting with other people living with psoriasis, and maintaining an exercise routine that works for me. Stress is one of my biggest triggers so I’ve learned just how important it is to prioritize my mental health alongside my physical health.

Treating myself with kindness

One of the most impactful changes I have made over the years is that I’ve readjusted the way I talk to myself. When I experience a flare, I often find negativity and embarrassment creeping into my thoughts. Now, I am able to acknowledge that these feelings are coming from my frustrating about not feeling comfortable in my skin.

With this, I can reassure myself that I have the courage and capability to manage any flares that I am faced with. Psoriasis is still always top of mind for me, but the negativity around it no longer consumes my thoughts like it once did.

Now, I’m able to direct more of my focus towards solving for the current challenges I face and finding ways to make myself more comfortable.

Most days, I feel confident in my ability to manage my psoriasis symptoms and have accepted the diagnosis, but there are definitely still days that leave me feeling exhausted and embarrassed about it.

Accepting my diagnosis, and the skin I am living in, will forever be a process but I’m proud of where my relationship with my body is today.