How I’ve Learned to Cope with Hurtful Comments About My Skin

While you can’t control what others say about you, you can control how you respond. By learning to take these remarks in stride, I’ve been able to protect my peace and self-respect, leading to a stronger sense of well-being and self-worth.

Charisma, spunk, mental fortitude, and resilience are tools of the trade required for those living with chronic conditions. These are the things that have saved me on my psoriasis journey.

I’ve had the disease since I was 10 years old. I had to have these tools to survive. We moved around often enough during my prepubescent years that my newness to communities was harsh.

I could probably still make out the pictures drawn of me and left on my desk when I was in 7th grade. My parents eased my fears. People grow out of that, they said.

I held on to that for many years, strengthening my self-worth. The reality is that some people are just cruel. Some people hang their hats on the pride of their meanness.

This was made abundantly clear upon the vigorous return of my patches after discontinuing biologics during my pregnancy. I’m an adult now, not the subject of childhood bullying. My tools have guided me just the same, reminding me I’m worthy of kindness and respect.

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Navigating insensitive comments from strangers

Vacation, meant to be a relaxing and joyous occasion, is no exception to the audacity of what some consider appropriate conversation. What made it worse was explaining to my husband that, yes, people are that cruel.

One vacation of note was when we were at a McDonald’s in Arizona. After the first day, we had to abandon our trip camping in the Grand Canyon since I came down with a stomach bug. I slept all day in our rental car so that at least my husband could enjoy a short trail.

I was exhausted and desperate for a little coffee (albeit not the best choice). After traveling over 2,000 miles and spending the morning retching, my psoriasis was in full flare. 

“D’ya get bit?!” the team member said, specifically coming over to me after I had sat down.

Not wanting to engage, my mood being particularly unpleasant, I replied a simple, “No.”

My answer wasn’t good enough. There was the insatiable relentlessness that I owed an explanation for how I looked.

“But really, it’s all over.”

“I know.”

“You should get that looked at!”

“I have.”

“There’s nothing for it?!”

“No.”

“Well, damn.”

Coping through integrity

I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. My mental integrity remained intact because I chose myself. I chose not to mentally drain myself on someone who could’ve eased their curiosity with a Google search.

Could I have said something snarky? Could I have defended myself by stating it was none of their business? Sure! But why give them the satisfaction? I probably would’ve forgotten the event altogether if my husband hadn’t been so horrified.

The comments had happened before and would happen again. I had to remind him that some things are not worth my time. Time is valuable. Brooding in the presumption of others serves no purpose other than to ruin my time. My spunk and mental fortitude can shine through. 

Finding identity and self-worth in my responses

Daily affirmations (speaking gently to myself) have been the most uplifting suggestions for strengthening my resilience — taking the higher road, if you will.

However, taking the higher road doesn’t mean that spite and sarcasm don’t have their place. While I’ll never claim to be better than anyone else, I’m certain in my convictions that I’m better than being treated like a science experiment or circus show. I’m better than the probing questions asked of me. I’m more beautiful than the ugliness the questions portray me to be.

At a certain point, your strength about your goodness becomes your identity. It took time and practice to feel that way, but I’m worth it.

Another vacation whisper came when I visited Disney for the first time at 30 years old. A family who wasn’t as bold as the worker in Arizona had thoughts on my appearance. Two older women were talking from behind me, obviously trying to have a conversation amongst themselves but loud enough that other people would notice.

“Did you see that girl?!”

“Mmhmm, rashes everywhere.”

“I had an uncle like that. He drank so much soda and ate trash.”

The conversation continued about the unpleasant nature of this so-called rashy uncle and their opinions of his poor exercise and eating habits. “Obviously,” these were major contributors to his disease process.

This particular time really struck my husband. He heard the whole conversation and asked me if I was going to turn around and say something. He asked if he should turn around and say something. Being really hot that day, I responded, “Like what? Ask them to buy me a soda?” 

As endearing as it was of him to try to defend me, I hoped my charisma saved his concern. Other people’s opinions of how I look are none of my business and not my problem on vacation or otherwise.

Again, it wasn’t worth the mental energy to deal with someone that’s ignorant or unkind. It’s ignorant to think that someone won’t hear you in a crowded space. It’s disgusting to disregard kindness.

The takeaway

Charisma, spunk, mental fortitude, and resilience are the tools for chronic conditions. The charisma and spunk for joy. The mental fortitude and resilience for strength.

These are not parts of a person that will appear overnight, and some days, they may not be enough. However, the self-worth one finds in these things is invaluable, especially when keeping the vacation whispers at bay.